Welcome back to the blog! Today at eBooks by Dick Ferguson, we’re diving into a corner of the queer community that is often misunderstood, overlooked, or simply left out of the conversation. If you’ve spent any time in gay book club circles or scrolling through LGBTQ+ fiction tags, you’ve likely seen the terms "Ace" and "Aro." But what do they actually mean?
As a publisher committed to letting everyone read with pride, I believe it’s vital that we understand the full spectrum of our community. Whether you’re an avid reader of MM romance or a writer looking to craft more authentic queer identity in your work, this guide is for you. Let’s break down the basics of asexuality and aromanticism, and look at how we can better support our ace and aro brothers.
A Guide to Understanding Asexuality and Aromanticism for Allies
When we talk about gay romance or M/M books, the focus is usually on two men falling in love and, quite often, the physical chemistry that follows. However, for many people in our community, that "standard" road map doesn’t quite fit.
To be a great ally, the first thing to realize is that asexuality and aromanticism are distinct orientations. They aren’t "phases," they isn’t a result of "not finding the right guy yet," and they certainly aren’t something that needs to be "fixed."
The "Ace" of Spades: What is Asexuality?
In the simplest terms, an asexual person (often shortened to "Ace") is someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others.
Think of it this way: you might walk down the street and see a guy who is objectively handsome. An allosexual person (someone who does experience sexual attraction) might feel a physical pull or a spark. An asexual man might acknowledge the guy is attractive in the same way one acknowledges a beautiful painting, but that physical "pull" to engage sexually just isn't there.
The "Aro" Arrow: What is Aromanticism?
Aromanticism (shortened to "Aro") is about romantic attraction rather than sexual attraction. An aromantic person experiences little to no romantic attraction to others. This means they might not have the desire for traditional "dating," the "butterflies" associated with falling in love, or the desire for a romantic partnership.
It’s important to remember that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are not the same thing.
- You can be Asexual and Romantic: You don’t feel sexual pull, but you still want a boyfriend to cuddle, go on dates with, and share your life with.
- You can be Aromantic and Sexual: You experience sexual attraction, but you don't feel the need for a romantic, "hearts and flowers" connection.
- You can be Aro/Ace: You don’t experience either.
It’s a Spectrum, Not a Binary
One of the biggest mistakes people make when learning about queer fiction and real-life identities is assuming it’s all-or-nothing. Just like being gay or bisexual exists on a spectrum, so do ace and aro identities.
Demisexuality: The "Emotional Bond" Trope
In many of our favorite MM contemporary novels, we see the "friends-to-lovers" trope. Often, one of these characters might be demisexual. A demisexual person only experiences sexual attraction after a deep emotional bond has been formed. They don’t have "love at first sight" or "lust at first sight." They have "attraction at the fifth year of a deep friendship."
Gray-asexuality and Gray-romanticism
Some people fall into the "gray" area. They might experience attraction very rarely, or only under very specific circumstances. In MM romance books, these characters add a layer of emotional depth and high-angst that readers absolutely crave. It’s about the slow burn: the really slow burn.
Beyond the Bedroom: Other Types of Attraction
For our emotionally invested readers, understanding that there are more ways to connect than just sex or romance is a game-changer.
- Platonic Attraction (The "Squish"): Have you ever met a guy and just instantly knew you wanted to be his best friend? In the ace/aro community, this is often called a "squish." It’s the platonic version of a crush.
- Aesthetic Attraction: This is appreciating how someone looks without wanting to date or sleep with them.
- Sensual Attraction: The desire for non-sexual touch, like hugging, cuddling, or holding hands.
In gay novels, exploring these different attractions allows for much richer storytelling. It moves us away from the "instant-lust" tropes and into something more nuanced and heartfelt.
How to Support Your Ace and Aro Friends (and Authors!)
If you want to be a better ally within the LGBTQ+ ebooks community, here are a few ways to start:
- Believe them the first time. If a friend tells you they are ace or aro, don't ask "Are you sure?" or suggest they "just haven't had good sex yet."
- Validate their relationships. An ace man in a relationship with another man is still ace. An aro man with a "primary partner" or a Queerplatonic Partner (QPP) has a relationship that is just as valid as a traditional marriage.
- Diversify your bookshelf. Look for queer authors who are writing ace and aro characters. When we support these stories, we tell the publishing world that these identities matter.
Why Ace/Aro Representation Matters in MM Fiction
At Read with Pride, we know that gay love stories come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes, the most heartfelt gay fiction isn't about the "happily ever after" involving a wedding and 2.5 kids. Sometimes, it's about two men finding a way to exist together that defies traditional labels.
Including ace and aro perspectives in MM fiction helps break down the "allonormativity" (the assumption that everyone feels sexual attraction) that can sometimes make people feel isolated. Whether it’s a gay thriller where the protagonist's lack of romantic distraction makes him a better spy, or a gay fantasy romance where the bond is forged in magic and soul-connection rather than physical heat, these stories are essential.
If you’re looking for stories that dive deep into the emotional psyche of men, check out some of the latest releases in our store. From high-stakes drama to quiet, reflective moments, we are proud to host MM authors who aren't afraid to explore the "A" in LGBTQIA+.
Explore our collection here: Read with Pride Store
Final Thoughts
Supporting authentic queer identity means showing up for the quietest parts of our community just as much as the loudest. Asexuality and aromanticism are beautiful, valid ways to experience the world. By educating ourselves and reading diversely, we make the world of gay literature a warmer, more inclusive place for everyone.
Stay tuned for more deep dives into queer tropes and identities!
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Proactive Blog Post Options for Tomorrow:
- The "Slow Burn" Masterclass: Why the slow-burn trope is the king of MM contemporary romance and how it builds unbearable tension.
- The Evolution of the Gay Spy Romance: From caricatures to complex heroes: how modern gay spy romance is changing the thriller genre.
- Healing Through Prose: Exploring the "Hurt/Comfort" trope in emotional MM books and why readers find it so therapeutic.
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