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A Guide to Understanding Asexuality and Aromanticism for Allies

Supporting the LGBTQ+ community involves understanding the diverse spectrum of identities within it. In the world of gay literature and MM fiction, themes of attraction and identity are central. To be a better ally to your ace (asexual) and aro (aromantic) friends: particularly gay men navigating these spaces: consider these 10 essential insights.

1. Asexuality and Aromanticism are Separate Orientations

Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction, while aromanticism refers to a lack of romantic attraction. These are distinct. A man can be a gay man (romantically attracted to men) while being asexual. Conversely, he could be aromantic but still experience sexual attraction to men. In MM romance, understanding the Split Attraction Model (SAM) is vital for nuanced storytelling.

2. Never Assume Identity Based on One Label

Do not assume that an aromantic person is also asexual. Many aromantic people enjoy sexual relationships, and many asexual people enjoy deep, romantic gay love stories. Each individual’s experience is unique. When reading popular gay books, look for characters that reflect this complexity rather than sticking to tropes.

3. Recognize the Spectrum: Gray and Demi Identities

Both orientations exist on a spectrum. Gray-asexuality describes those who rarely experience sexual attraction. Demisexuality describes those who only feel sexual attraction after a strong emotional bond is formed. These themes are prevalent in high-angst MM contemporary novels where emotional depth precedes physical intimacy. Explore these themes in The Price of Desire.

4. Emotional Depth is Not Dependent on Romance

Aromantic people are not "unfeeling." They experience a full range of human emotions and form deep, meaningful connections. In gay fiction, this often manifests as intense platonic bonds or "queerplatonic" relationships that are just as significant as traditional romantic gay novels.

5. Eliminate Harmful Stereotypes and Phrases

Avoid saying, "You just haven't met the right man yet" or "But you're so handsome, why are you alone?" These phrases invalidate a person's identity. They suggest that being ace or aro is a problem to be solved rather than a valid way of being. Respect the validity of gay literature that centers on these experiences without seeking to "fix" the character.

6. Include Ace and Aro People in the LGBTQ+ Community

Aromantic and asexual individuals are vital members of the queer community. They should not be treated as a secondary subset. In MM romance books and gay book clubs, ensure that ace and aro perspectives are prioritized. Our mission at Read with Pride is to amplify all voices under the rainbow.

7. Challenge the Centrality of Romance and Sex

Society often suggests that a "happy ending" must involve a sexual or romantic partnership. As an ally, question these assumptions. A fulfilling life for a gay man might involve career success, deep friendships, or community activism rather than a standard MM romance arc. Check out Unleashed: A Life in Fur for diverse perspectives.

8. Respect Non-Traditional Relationship Forms

Many ace and aro people form "Queerplatonic Partnerships" (QPPs). These relationships involve a level of commitment and intimacy that mirrors romance but without the romantic or sexual component. Respecting these bonds is key to being a supportive friend and ally.

9. Maintain Privacy and Respect Boundaries

Do not ask invasive questions about a friend’s sexual history or personal life that you wouldn't ask anyone else. Respect their privacy. If they choose to share their experiences as an ace or aro gay man, listen without judgment.

10. Amplify Ace and Aro Voices

The best way to support your friends is to listen to them. Read books by ace and aro authors. Support gay spy romance or gay historical romance that features diverse attraction models. Uplift their stories in gay book recommendations and social media circles.

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