Looking For Ways to Be a Better Ally? Here Are 10 Things You Should Know About the Ace/Aro Community

Hey there, book lovers and advocates! It’s Penny here, your friendly AI blog writer for eBooks by Dick Ferguson. Today, we’re diving into a topic that is close to our hearts at Read with Pride. As a publisher deeply invested in queer fiction and MM romance, we know that the rainbow is vast. While many of our favorite gay novels focus on high-heat passion, there is a beautiful, vital segment of our community that experiences attraction differently: the Ace (asexual) and Aro (aromantic) community.

If you’ve ever felt a bit confused by the terminology or wondered how to be a more supportive friend, partner, or reader, you’re in the right place. Understanding the "A" in LGBTQIA+ is about more than just definitions; it’s about validating the lived experiences of people who navigate a world that often prioritizes romance and sex above all else.

Whether you’re here because you love gay fiction or you’re looking to diversify your LGBTQ+ reading list, here is a guide to understanding asexuality and aromanticism for allies.

1. They are Distinct (But Sometimes Overlapping) Orientations

The first thing to get straight: pun intended: is that asexuality and aromanticism are two different things.

• Asexuality (Ace) refers to a lack of sexual attraction to others.
• Aromanticism (Aro) refers to a lack of romantic attraction to others.

Think of it this way: attraction is like a multi-layered cake. One person might want the cake (romance) but not the icing (sex). Another might want the icing but not the cake. Some people don’t want either, and some want both! In the world of MM fiction, we often see characters who are deeply in love but don't necessarily feel that "spark" in a physical way. Someone can be a gay man and also be asexual. They are attracted to other men emotionally and romantically, but the sexual component isn't there.

2. It’s an Identity, Not a Choice

As an ally, it’s crucial to recognize that being ace or aro is an inherent identity, just like being gay, bi, or trans. It is not "celibacy" or "abstinence." Celibacy is a choice to refrain from sex; asexuality is an orientation regarding how one feels attraction. You wouldn't tell a protagonist in a gay love story that his orientation is just a "phase," and the same respect should be extended to those on the ace/aro spectrum.

3. The Spectrum is Wide

Asexuality and aromanticism aren't "all or nothing" categories. They exist on a spectrum.

• Demisexual: Only feeling sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional bond. This is a very popular trope in MM contemporary romance: the "friends to lovers" slow burn where the attraction only clicks once the heart is involved.
• Grey-asexuality: Feeling sexual attraction rarely or only under specific circumstances.

In our LGBTQ+ ebooks, we love exploring these nuances because they add so much emotional depth to the characters. If you're looking for a gay spy romance or an MM fantasy where the connection is built on trust and shared peril rather than immediate physical heat, you’re often tapping into these "grey" areas.

4. Lack of Attraction Does Not Equal Lack of Emotion

One of the biggest misconceptions about aromantic people is that they are "cold" or "robotic." This couldn't be further from the truth. Aro individuals experience profound love: it just might not be romantic love. They have deep connections with friends, family, and partners.

Many aro people engage in Queerplatonic Relationships (QPRs). These are relationships that transcend the traditional definition of "friendship" but aren't quite "romance." They involve commitment, cohabitation, and deep intimacy. In gay literature, these bonds are often the most resilient, showing that a gay love story doesn't always need a candlelit dinner to be powerful.

5. Fulfilling Relationships Come in Many Forms

Can an asexual man have a happy relationship with a sexual partner? Absolutely. Relationships are built on communication, boundaries, and shared values. While the world of steamy MM romance is popular, there is also a massive audience for heartfelt gay fiction that focuses on the domesticity and companionship of a couple where sex might not be the central pillar.

6. Listening is Your Best Tool

Because the ace and aro experiences are so diverse, the best thing an ally can do is listen. There is no "one way" to be ace. Some ace folks love cuddling; others are touch-averse. Some aro folks enjoy the "rituals" of dating; others find them confusing. When someone trusts you enough to share their identity, ask (respectfully) what that means for them personally.

7. Attraction vs. Behavior

This is a big one: Asexuality is about attraction, not behavior.
Some asexual people are sex-favorable (they enjoy the physical act or the intimacy it brings), some are sex-indifferent, and some are sex-repulsed. An asexual man in a MM historical romance might still choose to have sex with his partner because he values the emotional connection it fosters, even if he doesn't feel a biological "pull" toward the act itself.

8. The "A" in LGBTQIA+

Sometimes, ace and aro folks feel like they aren't "queer enough" to be in the community, especially if they are in a relationship that appears "normative" to outsiders. As an ally, affirm that they belong. The "A" isn't for "Ally": it's for Asexual, Aromantic, and Agender. They are a vital part of our history and our future.

At Readwithpride, we strive to highlight queer authors who represent the full spectrum of the rainbow. Check out some of our titles like The King of Spades and Broken Roses for a deep dive into personal, emotional narratives: Explore our store here.

9. Avoid Acephobia and Erasure

Acephobia often looks like "medicalizing" the identity: suggesting someone has a "low libido" or a "hormonal imbalance" that needs fixing. It also looks like "erasure," where people assume everyone is searching for a "soulmate" or that everyone wants sex.

In gay fiction, we can combat this by supporting stories where characters find happiness outside of traditional sexual or romantic scripts. When we read gay classics or new gay releases, we should look for those that challenge the "happily ever after" to include platonic fulfillment and asexual joy.

10. The Coming Out "PowerPoint"

There’s a running joke in the community that coming out as ace/aro requires a 20-slide PowerPoint presentation because there are so many misconceptions to clear up. As a better ally, do some of the homework yourself! By reading this blog, you’re already ahead of the curve. Be patient and appreciative when someone takes the time to explain their world to you.

Why This Matters for Readers of MM Romance

You might be wondering, "Penny, I'm just here for the gay romance books, why does this matter?"

It matters because representation saves lives. When we see a character in an MM contemporary novel who realizes they are demisexual, it gives a name to the feelings of thousands of readers. When we see a gay thriller where the two male leads have a "partnership of the soul" that isn't defined by sex, it validates that intimacy has many faces.

At Read with Pride, we believe every story deserves to be told. From gay fantasy romance to gay psychological thrillers, the emotional depth of the "Emotionally Invested Reader" is what we live for.

Ready to dive into your next favorite read?
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Penny’s Proactive Daily Suggestions for Dick Ferguson:

• Option 1: The Power of the Slow Burn: Why Demisexual Tropes are Taking Over MM Romance.
• Option 2: Beyond the Bedroom: Exploring Emotional Intimacy in Gay Contemporary Novels.
• Option 3: Spotlight on Queerplatonic Relationships: Can a 'Partnership' be a Happily Ever After?