Hey there, fellow book lovers and advocates! At eBooks by Dick Ferguson, we believe that every story deserves to be told and every identity deserves to be understood. If you’ve been hanging around the MM romance or queer fiction scene for a while, you’ve likely seen terms like "Ace," "Aro," or "Gray-spec" popping up in character descriptions and book tags.
But what do they actually mean? And more importantly, how can we, as readers and allies, support the asexual and aromantic communities within the broader LGBTQ+ fiction world? Today, we’re diving deep into Asexuality and Aromanticism 101. Whether you’re here to learn for yourself or to become a better ally to the gay men and queer folks in your life, you’re in the right place. Let’s get into it.
What Exactly is the "A-Spec"?
The "A-spectrum" (or A-spec) is an umbrella term that covers a wide variety of identities related to asexuality and aromanticism. While these two identities often overlap, they are actually distinct concepts.
Understanding Asexuality (Ace)
Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person experiences little to no sexual attraction toward others. It’s not a choice (like celibacy or abstinence); it’s simply a part of who they are. In the world of gay novels and MM fiction, an asexual protagonist might be a gay man who forms deep, intimate, and even physical bonds, but doesn't experience that specific "spark" of sexual attraction that society tells us is mandatory.
Understanding Aromanticism (Aro)
Aromanticism is a romantic orientation where someone experiences little to no romantic attraction. While they might still feel sexual attraction (allosexual aromantics) or no attraction at all (aro-ace), they don’t experience the "butterflies" or the desire for traditional romantic partnerships.
In gay love stories, an aromantic character might prioritize a "Queerplatonic Relationship" (QPR), a bond that is deeper than a typical friendship but doesn't fit the traditional romantic mold.
The Split Attraction Model (SAM)
To truly master allyship, you have to understand the Split Attraction Model. This is the idea that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are two different things.
For many of us, these two line up. But for many in the LGBTQ+ literature community, they don't. A man might be homoromantic asexual, meaning he falls in love with other men and wants a committed partnership, but doesn't have an interest in sex. Conversely, someone could be aromantic allosexual, experiencing sexual attraction without the desire for a romantic "happily ever after" in the traditional sense.
Decoding the Spectrum: Common Microlabels
The A-spec is diverse. Here are a few terms you’ll likely encounter in popular gay books and character bios:
- Demisexual/Demiromantic: A person who only experiences attraction after forming a strong emotional bond. This is a common trope in "friends-to-lovers" MM romance books, where the connection builds slowly over time.
- Gray-asexual/Gray-romantic: People who live in the "gray area" between being allosexual/romantic and asexual/romantic. They might experience attraction rarely or only under specific circumstances.
- Aceflux/Aroflux: Someone whose level of attraction fluctuates over time.
- Aegosexual: A person who enjoys the idea of sex or consumes sexual content (like steamy MM romance) but doesn't want to participate in sexual activities themselves.
Challenging Amatonormativity
One of the biggest hurdles for the Ace and Aro communities is something called amatonormativity. This is the societal assumption that everyone is "better off" in an exclusive, romantic, and sexual relationship, and that this type of relationship is the ultimate goal of a successful life.
In the publishing world, especially in gay romantic fiction, we often see the "happily ever after" (HEA) defined by a wedding or a sexual union. As allies, we can support the community by celebrating diverse HEAs. Maybe the HEA in a gay adventure romance is two men deciding to navigate the world as lifelong partners without the need for traditional romance. When we read with pride, we open ourselves up to the idea that love, and fulfillment, takes many forms.
How to Be a Great Ally in the Gay Community
Allyship is an active verb. Here’s how you can show up for your Ace and Aro brothers:
1. Believe Them
If someone tells you they are asexual or aromantic, don’t try to "fix" them. Avoid saying things like, "You just haven't met the right guy yet," or "But you're so handsome, why wouldn't you want sex?" These comments, while often well-intentioned, are dismissive of their lived reality.
2. Respect Their Relationships
Understand that a relationship without sex or romance isn't "just a friendship." These bonds can be the most significant, life-altering connections in a person's life. If you’re writing or reading M/M books, look for stories that validate these connections.
3. Use Inclusive Language
When talking about the LGBTQ+ community, make sure the "A" is included (and that it stands for Asexual/Aromantic/Agender, not Ally!). Small shifts in language can make a huge difference in making someone feel seen.
4. Support Ace/Aro Authors and Characters
The best way to understand a community is to read their stories. Seek out queer authors who are writing own-voices Ace and Aro narratives. By purchasing these LGBTQ+ Kindle books, you’re telling the publishing industry that these stories matter.
Why This Matters for MM Romance
You might wonder: If MM romance is known for being steamy, is there a place for Ace characters?
The answer is a resounding YES. Some of the most heartfelt gay fiction and emotional MM books on the market today feature asexual leads. These stories focus on the intensity of the emotional connection, the trust, and the unique ways people find to be intimate. Intimacy isn’t just about sex; it’s about being truly seen by another person.
At eBooks by Dick Ferguson, we are committed to exploring the full spectrum of the gay experience. From gay historical romance to gay psychological thrillers, there is always room for characters who challenge the status quo.
Check out our latest releases and find your next favorite read at our store: Read with Pride Store.
Myths We Need to Bust
- Myth: Ace people are just "repressed" or have "low libido."
- Fact: Libido is a biological drive; attraction is about who that drive is directed toward. They are not the same thing.
- Myth: Aro people are cold or "heartless."
- Fact: Aromantic people can be some of the most loving, empathetic people you’ll ever meet. They just don't express that love through the lens of romance.
- Myth: It’s a "new" thing.
- Fact: Asexual and aromantic people have always existed; we just finally have the language to describe their experiences.
Final Thoughts on Allyship
Being an ally means being a student. It means being willing to unlearn the "rules" of attraction we were taught and listening to the voices of those who experience the world differently. When we support the Ace and Aro members of our community, we make the entire gay book club a more inclusive, vibrant, and loving space.
Let’s keep reading, keep learning, and keep reading with pride.
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