Coming out is less of a single "Ta-da!" moment and more of a lifelong marathon, one where the path is sometimes paved with glitter and other times with some pretty jagged rocks. Whether you’re coming out as gay, bisexual, or embracing the beauty of being non-binary and living beyond the binary gaze, the journey is deeply personal.
At Read with Pride, we see these stories play out in our favorite MM romance novels every day. But in real life, there’s no editor to smooth out the rough drafts of our conversations. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, don't worry. We’ve rounded up seven common mistakes people make during their coming out journey and, more importantly, how to fix them so you can live your truth with confidence.
1. Starting with an Apology
One of the most common mistakes is beginning the conversation with, "I’m sorry, but…" or "I hope you’re not disappointed, but I’m gay."
When you apologize, you’re subconsciously telling the other person that you’ve done something wrong or that your identity is a burden they have to carry. Your identity is a gift, a piece of your soul, and a reason for celebration, not a transgression.
How to fix it: Swap the apology for an invitation. Instead of saying "I'm sorry," try saying, "I want to share something important about myself because I value our relationship." This shifts the energy from guilt to intimacy and honesty. You aren't asking for forgiveness; you’re offering authenticity.
2. Believing You Only Have to Do It Once
There is a widespread myth that once you tell your parents or your best friend, you’re "out" and the work is done. In reality, coming out is a recurring event. You’ll come out to new colleagues, new friends, healthcare providers, and even the person sitting next to you on a plane if the conversation turns to your partner.
How to fix it: Adjust your expectations. View coming out as a skill you’re developing rather than a task you’re completing. Some days you’ll have the energy to be a vocal advocate for LGBTQ+ fiction and your own life; other days, you might choose to keep it private. Both are valid. Recognizing that this is a journey helps reduce the pressure of getting it "perfect" the first time.
3. Coming Out for the Wrong People (or Reasons)
Are you coming out because you are ready, or because you feel pressured by a partner, a friend, or even a social media trend? Coming out under duress, whether external or internal pressure, can lead to resentment and unnecessary trauma.
How to fix it: Check in with your "why." If you’re doing it to appease someone else, take a step back. Your coming out journey belongs to you. If you’re currently finding solace in M/M books or gay love stories like The King of Spades and Broken Roses while you wait for the right moment, that is perfectly okay. Wait until you feel a sense of internal peace (or at least a manageable level of nerves) before making your move.
4. Expecting an Immediate "Movie Moment" Reaction
We’ve all seen the scenes in gay movies or MM romance books where the protagonist comes out and is immediately met with a tearful, supportive hug. While that happens (and it’s amazing!), many reactions fall into the "gray area." People might be shocked, confused, or simply quiet as they process the news.
How to fix it: Give them the "processing period." You’ve likely had years to come to terms with your identity; the person you’re telling has had about thirty seconds. If their initial reaction isn't 100% supportive, it doesn't always mean they don't love you. Give them space, answer their questions if you have the energy, and point them toward resources if you don't.
5. Neglecting Your Safety and "Found Family"
In the rush to be authentic, some people overlook the practicalities of their situation. If you are financially dependent on people who have expressed homophobia or transphobia, coming out can put your housing or education at risk.
How to fix it: Prioritize safety. If the environment isn't safe, focus on building your "found family" first. Connect with the gay book club community, find online spaces for queer fiction lovers, and surround yourself with people who celebrate you. Having a safety net makes the actual coming out process much less terrifying because you know you have a place to land.
6. Living for the "Binary Gaze"
Especially for those who identify as non-binary or genderqueer, there is a temptation to "perform" your identity in a way that makes sense to cisgender people. You might feel like you have to look a certain way or use certain labels just to be understood.
How to fix it: Embrace the beauty of being non-binary on your own terms. Living beyond the binary gaze means you don't owe anyone androgyny or a specific aesthetic. Your identity is valid regardless of how "well" others understand it. In the world of LGBTQ+ eBooks, we are seeing more and more characters who defy these boxes, and you should feel empowered to do the same in your own life.
7. Forgetting to Consume "Happy" Queer Content
If your entire coming out journey is focused on struggle, pain, and "the talk," you’ll burn out. Many people spend so much time worrying about the negative reactions that they forget there is a whole world of gay romance, gay fantasy romance, and MM contemporary stories out there that celebrate queer joy.
How to fix it: Balance the heavy stuff with high-quality gay fiction. Dive into a world of adventure with Dust and Bone or explore the emotional depths of a journey through Japan. Seeing yourself reflected in a "happily ever after" (HEA) isn't just entertainment, it’s a form of self-care and a reminder of what you’re fighting for: a life full of love and adventure.
Finding Your Path Forward
Coming out is a marathon, but you don't have to run it alone. Whether you’re looking for gay book recommendations to help you process your feelings or you just want to get lost in a steamy MM romance to take the edge off a stressful day, the community is here for you.
Remember: you are the author of your own story. You decide the pacing, the plot twists, and who gets a front-row seat to the premiere. Be patient with yourself, stop apologizing for your existence, and keep reading stories that remind you how beautiful your future can be.
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Proactive Blog Post Options for Tomorrow:
Hey Dick! Here are three ideas for our next posts to keep the momentum going:
- The Rise of the 'Grumpy x Sunshine' Trope in MM Romance: Why we can't get enough of polar opposites falling in love, featuring a deep dive into our latest releases.
- Beyond the Binary: Exploring Non-Binary Protagonists in Modern Queer Fiction: A follow-up to today's mention of living beyond the binary gaze, highlighting the best LGBTQ+ eBooks with NB leads.
- From Screen to Page: Why MM Romance Novels Offer More Depth Than Gay Movies: A look at the "Emotionally Invested Reader" profile and why the internal monologue of a book beats a 90-minute film every time.
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